Tag Archives: self growth

Andy Murray got me to therapy

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This is a short n sweet thank you note to Andy Murray, the British tennis player (as well as the fantastic Olympians and Paralympians).

I attended the team GB victory parade on Monday, then later that night found out about Andy Murray’s victory at the US Open. Inspiration overload!

Watching Andy triumph, finally, after years of not quite breaking through to win a Grand Slam – I saw a guy stepping into his power and being the best he can be. It was like he’d managed to break through his own glass ceiling.

He thanked his new coach, the tennis legend Lendl, and it really hit me that if you want to be the best you can be, beyond even your own imagination, you need to do whatever it takes to support your growth – including having someone to help you break through any bad habits.

It seems that Lendl has helped Murray keep his composure on court, to be emotionally fit which helps him get an edge, and not be rattled when things aren’t going his way on court.  I think this has been a key part in helping Murray win an Olympic gold medal as well as get the US Open. Alongside having great coaches, medics, physios, masseurs, managers, he also needed someone to refine his emotional fitness.

So when i saw Murray thank Lendl in his champions speech, I decided that I too needed to do whatever it takes to get me to be my best self. I need a Lendl.

And so the very next day I went to my first psychotherapy session.

I had considered (and very nearly gone ahead with) therapy before, but never felt compelled enough to follow through – I questioned if i really needed it, if it was a luxury. But there was something about seeing Andy Murray win that made me think ‘i too want to be at the top of my game and i need to do whatever it takes to do that.’

So this is a thank you to Andy Murray for inspiring me to honour my ‘best self’ by getting help. It’s not enough for me to be grinding in third gear. If i want to be at the top of my game called life, i need to respect my talent/soul/capacity and support it by getting rid of any bad habits that may be blocking me. It’s this desire that’s driving my butt to therapy each week, and what a great reason to do so :)

I hope that you were inspired in some way by sport this summer – maybe, like me, in a really unexpected way.

Have an amazing week, we are all champions

S xo

What i Iearnt from rock climbing

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Yesterday I was lucky to do some rock climbing up a 70ft climbing wall, and there was a moment during the climb where I couldn’t find a foot hold, which made me feel scared and like I couldn’t go any further. My tutor down on the ground called up to me instructions for what i should do, i did as he said and I was able to carry on to the top of the climb.
After the climb, I was thinking about some of the scariest moments I’ve gone through in recent years (flying a plane, trapeze, this super high climb) and wanted to know WHY I was scared. I don’t have a fear of heights, and I don’t have fear when it comes to doing something new. I largely trust myself to be able to ‘do anything’ within reason! So what was I really scared of? What was the anxiety?
I discovered something that may strike a chord with you, that I think is relevant to many people, particularly women.

It wasn’t that I didn’t know exactly what I was doing, it wasn’t the uncertainty, and it’s not control issues as such.  What it is, is i forget that someone has my back. I’m so used to being totally in control or ‘this is all up to me’ that if my foot slips on the climbing wall, i think oh god i’m going to fall because i completely forget someone else has my back. likewise with trapeze, i couldn’t just ‘let go’ and trust in my instructors holding the safety lines because in my headspace i felt like if i mess up or fall or whatever, it’s just me; i forget i have back up.

because i’m not used to having back up

So my fear is not about perfectionism, it’s more like – if i slip, if i mess up the aeroplane controls and we nose dive, or if i let go of the trapeze bar, that’s it. because i forget there’s someone next to me or holding the rope that’s there to keep me safe.

because i have rarely had it. i’m not used to it. it’s so new.

it’s not that i don’t trust them or ‘know’ they will keep me safe, it’s more like it literally doesn’t register in my consciousness that i have someone to keep me safe.

Is this what can hold a lot of us (and women in particular) back from taking risks, daring ourselves to go further?

I’ve read a few articles recently about ‘perfectionist’ tendencies and how that can hold women back from doing anything – beating ourselves up with the idea that ‘if it isn’t perfect then it isn’t worth bothering with’, or fearing that if we don’t succeed the first time we have failed.

But actually I think for some of us it’s less to do with the fear of failing and not being perfect, and more to do with being so scared that everything rides on ourselves, that if we make a mistake or freak out or don’t know what to do that we literally will crash that plane or fall to the ground. Because there is no one at our side who could share some of that responsibility.

That’s a lot of pressure to take. And it’s isolating (as well as saddening) to feel or believe that no-one has your back and could take the wheel if need be or is holding the safety rope.

Self-sufficient women

For me, I think that this belief/habit of feeling that ‘I only have myself to rely on’ comes from an early age. I did not feel safe in my household, and out of that became a very self-reliant person. I literally did not have anyone able to have my back, because most of the adults in my family were broken to some degree.

And I’m sure there are many other women out there who have had the same experience (though maybe a different hue) – perhaps your guardians were physically ill and you had to be the caretaker/head of the household at a young age, perhaps your parents were never home so you had to be in charge of your siblings, perhaps your parents were addicts and you had to raise yourself. Whatever the reason, you may have had to become the ‘strong’ one in your household, reliant on yourself, and having others rely on you, without having anyone else to rely on yourself.

Breaking out of that mindset is hard. And to a large extent it is empowering (and necessary) to be able to trust yourself, to know you can look after yourself, and you don’t ‘need’ anyone else. Yet it also makes taking big risks super scary, because you have those habitual thoughts of ‘if this goes wrong, no-one will be there to help bear the weight’.

I think that’s where my terror comes from.

So i am really grateful to have had some opportunities lately to let me have some back-up; instructors who can guide me and keep me safe while i take risks. Because sometimes things are just too daunting (and dangerous!) to do without having someone else there.

So my Q’s for the week for you: Does this resonate with you? Do you ever put pressure on yourself to ‘not mess up’ because you’re afraid no-one has your back, a primal fear that you could even almost die if you mess up? In what ways could you practice getting support from people you genuinely trust? Which people or situations in your life have you felt secure with, allowing you to dare further than you would by yourself?

I frickin love pushing myself out of my comfort zone, but in order to do so i need to have some measure of security – that someone i trust can hold the safety line in order for me to scale higher. For any of us to grow and push our limits, we have to know someone has our backs, otherwise the fear of doing it alone can be paralysing.

So here’s to climbing higher and having fabulous expert instructors holding our safety wires!

S xo

I can’t…?

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Ladies, you will love this show; The Conversation. You can watch all episodes of it via the link. It’s a series of short interviews with women in the public eye (Lady Gaga, Jane Fonda…),  about finding their confidence, sharing their life lessons etc. I can’t recommend it enough.

This week two things have happened that have challenged me, both in positive ways, both around the idea of ‘I can’t’.

1. I had my first flying trapeze lesson. After one practice of hanging from the trapeze bar by my knees close to the ground, I was then the first in my group to go do the move up on the 30ft high trapeze.

Climbing up the ladder, all i wanted to do was get back down to the ground.

On the ledge, looking out across the big expanse of net, I was terrified.

When my instructor told me to lean out and grab the bar, I didn’t wanna let go of the safety rail next to me.

But I refused to say those words ‘i can’t’. I said everything else (out loud, too) – i’m terrified, i’m scared, i feel sick, i don’t want to do this – but I refused to say ‘i can’t’ because i didn’t want fear to win.

So I went ahead, jumped off the ledge, swung by my arms, screaming, did the move, was hanging by my knees, and that was that. I did it.

On the ledge before the jump, I had to take action despite every part of me wanting to recoil, get back down that ladder, and sneak out of the class. It took everything I had to stay on the ledge, everything I had again to reach out to take the bar, and jump. The only thing that kept me going through with it was ‘i won’t let fear win‘.

2. At work we sometimes play sports with kids in the community, and yesterday we had a 12 year old girl who was hoping to make a junior football team. She was really good, way better than me and my colleague, but what impressed me more than her ball skills was her attitude.

I can pass the ball, and i’m pretty okay at defending, however my ‘ball skills’ (and kind of tricks or anything that requires a fair bit of ball control) I’m just not good at. So when the girl wanted us all to do knee-ups and do penalty practice I knew i’d be struggling. There was one move in particular I ‘couldn’t’ do. I tried a few times, laughed at my own ineptitude, and say ‘i’m sorry, i just can’t’.

This girl was awesome. ‘You can do it!’ she nodded and smiled, ‘keep practicing, you’ll get it’. Egged on a little, I tried some more, slowly getting there. ‘That’s it’, my little cheerleader said, ‘you’re almost there’.

Well you can see how this story ends – I do learn, and I can do it, even though it might have taken me a while, a lot of concentration, and a fantastic teacher at my side.

It made me realise how quick I (and maybe others) can be to just say ‘i can’t’ and leave it at that. That if something doesn’t come ‘naturally’, then it can’t come at all. That sometimes our perception of ourselves can’t even comprehend that we could be possible of doing more.

And sometimes it’s easy to compare ourselves to others who are highly skilled or competent in something that we’re not, and think ‘well if i’m not as good as them, i might as well not even bother’. We can shut ourselves down and miss out on the experience of pushing our own boundaries.

My greatest life achievements have come from being stubborn enough (and having some outside encouragement too) to not stop until I CAN. When i’ve been so ready to give up yet pushed through. Which is why this week I’m encouraging all of us to push our own boundaries, and look for the things where we tell ourselves ‘i can’t’.

Sometimes sports can be a great arena for us to push our own boundaries, so maybe this week you might wanna try – doing a handstand! Learn how to spin a basketball on your finger! Do whatever it is that you feel ‘oh god, i CAN’T do that’. It doesn’t really matter what the activity is as long as you feel it’s not ‘who you are’.

Something on my to-do list is to go to a skate park and do a ramp. All i’ve ever done so far on a board is cruise along tarmac, almost like a scooter without a handle. I think i *could’ do a ramp, but it will take some bottle.

With each push of the boundary, we grow.

S xo

What does your soul want to DO?

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Earlier this week I pulled a muscle in my neck/shoulder, which has given me a few days of being laid up at home, watching Salt, eating muffins and musing!

Inspired by Lissa Rankin’s articles, I want to share something with you to hopefully help anyone who is feeling in a one-step-forward, two-steps-back place.

Your souls calling

In one post, Lissa asks us all ‘what is your soul dying to create?’. And i realised that my soul does not want to create.

Creating can be quite an earthly, tangible thing. It springs to mind a business, a book, a radio show, a house, a baby, a table, whatever it is! To me, ‘to create’ implies output.

And i realised that part of me had a belief that if i’m not producing (or creating) something, then whatever it is i’m doing is worthless. If there is not tangible, quantifiable ‘thing’, then what do I have to show for myself?

That’s a terrible space to be in when your souls calling is truthfully not attached to outcomes. If you’re in the headspace where tangible, quantifiable outcomes (the book, the show, the project etc) denote how well-spent your time is, or how much value you are worth, then you will look down on things that don’t produce an obvious outcome. Things that you love to do for the pleasure of, the process.

My soul does not want to create anything. I know that for sure. My ego wanted to create EVERYTHING. It wanted an impressive bio full of books, movies, acting roles, gallery showings – tangible ‘things’ that prove i’m contributing to the world, being productive.

Nope, my soul can do without all that. For me, it’s about what my soul needs to ‘come out’ – how it flows out into the world. It’s like energy that just needs to have space. Anyone else ever feel that? I feel my soul doing it’s thing when i’m on the dancefloor, when i’m singing & playing along to songs at ukelele jam, when i’m in the flow at stage combat class, and of course sex. I have NOTHING to show for myself at the end of these activities – no souvenirs (unless someone else has been filming it) , no products, i haven’t been working towards anything – just enjoying myself in the moment.

My soul seeks opportunities, spaces, platforms, to do her thing, let her hair down, give it all to that space, then leave.

So is this true for you, i wonder? What does your soul need? And what does your ego need?

Resistance

When i opened up to what my soul really craves (spaces to be free), I hit some gnarly beliefs.The main one being that my soul’s desires are worthless.

How awful is that?! I know!!!

I’m sure it’s an accumulation of many factors – let’s face it, most of us have grown up in an education system that’s results-based, and its likely that out parents geared us up that way too. Worthiness, productivity etc is often based on output and measurable things. So the things we do with no measurable output (other than that we love doing them) are left out of the equation. Even thinking about sex, ‘How many orgasms did you have?’ can be considered more important than ‘how pleasurable was the ride?’

I don’t know if this is to do with living in a masculine-skewed world, and i don’t think it matters too much if it is – what matters is that we start to change our minds. The fact is, for some of us, we have to start unhooking ‘worthiness’ and value from productivity/outcomes.

The main reason why this is so important is that if you don’t feel your soul’s desires (to express, rather than to make something tangible) are worthy, that they don’t matter, that they’re not good, then you are pretty much telling yourself that you aren’t worthy, don’t matter, and are no good. And how the fuck can you live your life from that space?!

This is hard work. For me, i’m finding it hard work. To know that when i hit the dancefloor at class, just ‘doing my thing’ is enough. That my unique expression in whatever arena is enough. No-one ever told me that. Rarely has anyone ever said ‘just bringing your spirit into a space is valuable in itself‘.

Holy crap

Have you ever been valued for who you are, rather than for what you can do for another?

You’re not ‘of worth’ because you produce an outcome, or fix a problem, or make someone else’s life better. Your value doesn’t come from being measured in terms of output or meeting anothers needs.

Your value does not come from output. Not from metrics. Not from what you can provide another. Not from what you can physically go out and change. Not from anything measurable or quantifiable.

Your value comes from your being. When you walk into a room. The way in which you make pancakes. That your presence alone can make someone else feel safe. That’s your significance. Not the trophies, the certificates, the goals met, the number of followers – not that, none of that. Just your presence, your existence, and what your essence brings – which you carry with you all the time.

That’s the value, the worth, the gold.

And I raise a valiant middle finger to the world that has distorted things so much that we don’t feel worthy unless we’re being over-producers, over-achievers, constantly looking to prove our worth.

The sting, the rub, the beginning, and now the end

I know a lot of this stuff isn’t ‘new’ – god knows i’ve read it before. But i’m having a proper bing-bing moment so please bear with me.

Where does this split occur, where we start to believe we need to prove our worth & value in the world by going after external things? Even those of us who have let go of material things (fancy cars, job titles etc) still probably have other things we believe we need to have or do or be in order to be considered of value – whether that’s creating output that others need, or doing something that we believe will have an impact, in order for us to feel valuable.

I can pin it down.

God bless my parents.

What did you have to do to get love? What did you have to do, who did you have to be, to feel recognized, valued? When you were a kid – did your parents project a role or their needs onto you? Or did your parents allow you to just ‘be’, getting their needs met from others or met by themselves in a healthy way?

Let’s just say that both my parents were unable to provide themselves with the happiness and healing they needed, so I had a lot of stuff projected onto me.  I lived in a world where my value, worth, came from what i could provide these people with – that i met their needs that I shouldn’t have met. I wasn’t valued for simply being me – messy, hanging from the trees, plastering-barbie-with-punk-make-up me. I was valued based on what i could do for others – be that fan their social status, or be an emotional rock.

And i guess I’m starting to crack that idea that i’m valuable just for being me, not for my output or for what I can give or do for others ( I enjoy helping empower others – i’m talking about enabling and/or martyrdom…).

So my big ol’ Q’s for the week for you are: What are your feelings, memories, ideas around ‘being of value’? What do you value, what have people made you feel valued for? What’s your lifeblood, is it different to what others value from you? What does your soul want to do, and do you value it? If not, why not?

And with that, I’m done. High fives to all who made it to the end of the post.

Your value is in your happy glory

S xo

Passion. The.

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My younger brother is graduating uni soon and is, like most twenty somethings, feeling pretty unsure about what to do next – which career to go into, what his path is etc.

I have done a LOT of research on this stuff myself to help direct my life choices – finding your ‘life purpose’, finding the ‘right career’ etc. And whilst I could have sent my bro a big ol’ reading list and a tonne of action steps, the most urgent and pressing thing I wanted him to know was ‘find and follow your passion’.

Passion can be easy to find, it can be hard to find. Sometimes you already know what it is, sometimes you lost it along the way, sometimes you have to go out into the world trying new things out til you finally hit on something that hooks you like a drug.

You also have to start being discerning when it comes to sorting through passing interests, things you enjoy, and gut-level passions. Often passions are things that you can’t live without. Passions are things that compel you – it’s like being in love. And you’ll break through barriers to make sure you can do your passion – whether that’s saving money in other areas of life so you can afford to do it, or willingly take the two-hour bus ride to do it, or whatever other sacrifice you have to make. You no longer care about those kind of inconveniences because you.must.do.it. Passion (a little like anger) can carry you through any bullshit excuses or reasons ‘not to’ because you inherently NEED to do whatever this passion-filled activity is.

Whatever this passion thing is, you have to treasure it and stoke it. You might only be able to do it once a week for an hour – so be it. You might not get paid to do it – so be it. Passion is your vibrancy, your soul’s colour. It MUST be done.

So if you aren’t feeling passionate about anything in your life at the moment, commit to doing the work to find where the passion is and to stoke the fires. Be discriminate – an interest of ‘something nice’ is not enough – we’re looking for head-over-heels compulsion, where you feel you are ‘meant’ to be doing whatever it is, wherever you’re doing it.

Here’s a couple of blog posts I received today that can help you on your quest:

http://passivepanda.com/finding-your-passion

http://www.thechangeblog.com/your-passion/

Yay passion. Can’t be faked, bought, analysed, or talked-into.

S xo

P.s I’m gonna list mine, to show you the differences in interest/passion levels. Try working out your own ones. Passions really are the ones that make you feel alive & that keep you coming back for more

Interests (stuff that keeps me occupied, that is fun): learning new languages, trying new sports, philosophical/spiritual/motivational stuff, organic/natural products & health foods

Things I do to live well, that i ‘have’ to do to maintain a decent life (+when i don’t do them i feel out of sorts): meditate, work out, have baths, get fresh inspiration (magazines, books, movies), manage my cashflow, live independently, share life lessons on my blog & as a mentor

Passions: dancing (waacking, voguing, the hustle/lindy hop, flamenco), sex & sexuality, making large-scale paintings & art experiments, communing with others in a shared activity (like playing music or acting) with lots of laughter, crazy life experiences like flying a plane, going on a trapeze, swimming with sharks etc

‘Who’ does your environment turn you into?

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We may often talk about how our peer groups, school systems, and even workplace ethos can impact us. Something I want to look at today is how work can bring out certain facets of you, and how to consider this when plotting your next moves.
I’ve worked a lot of different jobs – some public-facing, some computer-facing, some more factual, others more creative, and have found that different jobs bring out different sides to me. The Sarah who works in retail is definitely different to the event production assistant Sarah.
In my experience working in a job where you are based in an office (or perhaps doing officey work from home), computer-facing, having to have convo’s with people in a ‘professional’, cold, unnatural way, can erase you. If there isn’t a platform at work for you to be friendly, self-expressive, using your own language (rather than corporate speak) then for me at least,  i felt like going in on myself – on the exterior you’d meet a professional, unremarkable office bod. Inside i’d still be ‘me’ with no outlet for ‘me’ to go.
Whilst working my current job in a more public-facing role with a bunch of team mates, I’ve noticed I’ve really come out of my shell. When you speak with me at this job, I am 100% me with no veneer. And interacting with people all day every day has made me way more friendly and sociable. My previous office jobs did not have this kind of impact on me – quite the opposite. They made me more introverted.

I wonder if this happens to a lot of people, that they’re wiping themselves out – erasing their personality because their workplace (where they spend the most time) demands it. Not all jobs do that, but a large proportion probably do want you to ‘be’ a certain person rather than just be yourself. How many people are shutting down and not being open to others because their workplace is putting them in the habit of being closed off, with just their pc screen and work-speak for company?

It’s shit and unhealthy

so there

;)

But seriously, this brings up a very helpful question: ‘who’ do you want to be? What kind of person do you want to be? What part of yourself do you want to cultivate? What work places or workstyles would bring that side out of you?

Do you want to be more outrageous? Do you want to be more chilled out? Do you want to be more confident? Do you want to feel more vitality? Do you want to feel more of a human connection? Do you want to cultivate your intellect?

I remember years ago when i was deciding on which gap year placement i wanted to do, i had two options: nursery assistant or secondary school teacher. I wanted to cultivate my own confidence and practice public speaking, so I went for the teaching placement. I chose the experience that would bring out qualities I wanted and valued.

So maybe you can do the same if you are considering a job change or even if you just want to spice things up in your life. Ask yourself what experience, environment, line of work, or endevour will bring out a quality you want to have.Or even a quality you know you *should* cultivate in yourself, even though it may be hard or scary.

It’s a really great way to grow. You may discover sides of yourself you thought you’d lost or didn’t even know you had.

Fab week y’all, get cultivating

S xo

Show up. Be glad for the moment.

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Today I took part in my second waacking dance battle, and during the event was talking to a friend about how she was feeling – nervous, worried she’d mess up, not too confident.

And it got me thinking about any circumstance or situation when we’re faced with doing something we may not have done before, or something that *could* be scary.

Rather than perceiving the situation as a threat, or worrying about what ‘could’ happen, it helps hugely to go in being glad for the experience, no matter the outcome.

I had a moment just before I went into the battle circle when I became very conscious that this situation would never happen again – of course there would be battles in future – but I would never be in this exact same location, with these particular judges, with these particular other contestants, with whatever song the DJ was about to throw on, again. I would never be in the exact same circumstance again. So I’d better enjoy it! I’d better make the most of it, and go for it, and be glad to have this moment.

I’m also going through quite a big (and scary, for me) life change at the moment (will write about it next time!) – and when I get doubtful or wonder if i’m doing the right thing, I remember that I will never go through this again (with the same set of circumstances), so I have to be open to experiencing it in full technicolour. I might as well fully feel this experience and live in it, rather than future-trip, over-analyse, or doubt myself.

So this week my words of encouragement are simple. If you feel pulled towards doing something that scares you, no matter how minor or big, remember to be glad for the moment when it happens. Live through it, in real-time. It’s not too long after you’ve walked through the fire that the experience becomes just a memory, so enjoy it while it happens. It’s often these ‘scary’ moments that become some of our most cherished memories, so set aside the doubts and anxiety, and instead focus on diving into whatever you’re about to do.

Have a great week

S xo

If you are not your job title, who are you?

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Super-stoked to have had an article featured on Tiny Buddha this week, if you haven’t read it yet check it out here!

I was also really lucky to catch Gabby Bernstein lecture here in London, if you haven’t ever been to a transformational/healing/spiritual talk (and get most of your info online) I really recommend getting yourself to a talk – sharing a space with other like-minded folk is a powerful experience.

So on to this week’s topic – detaching yourself from identifying with your job/work title!

This week i started a new part-time job, mostly to feed two needs – to get more money alongside my editing/coaching work, and to get me off the laptop into a more public-facing role.

The job is by no means one you need much qualifications for, and it’s not high-falootin in the social status stakes. And if i’m really honest, a small part of me is feeling ‘you have a Masters from the LSE! You’ve worked for some of the top creative organisations in London! You are too good for this!’ Ah, the ego! How it likes to judge, and how it cares about things like status. How it can tie your sense of self or self-esteem to something like a job role :o !

A good friend of mine went through a similar situation a couple of years ago. He was a stock trader in the City and quit to pursue a new career in illustration. To pay the bills whilst he was starting out and retraining, he took retail work. I’m sure his ego was on his case too! It’s not that there are jobs or careers that are better than others, or that if you work in certain sectors you must be smarter/better than people who work in other sectors. It’s more to do with other people’s perceiptions & projections of you depending on what you do for work, and to do with your sense of self if you tie it too closely to whatever role you’re working at a given time.

This has been a great learning opportunity for me, and as always i want to share my lessons with you guys.

Yesterday whilst at this job i had a moment of feeling really happy and peaceful. I’d been choosing to engage with the job, to make the most of what was in front of me at any moment (for example, talking to a customer about their holiday plans or talking with my co-workers about the company). I’ve been very ‘present’ with this job – not thinking about the future, or the next day, or even the next hour. Just staying present and wondering what might come next.

And i realised that i am not my job.

Job titles, who you work for, what your role is, none of it defines you. None of it ‘is’ you.

Who i am instead is the person who smiles and chats with the lonely security guard in the lobby. I’m the person reassuring the tourist who can’t speak english so they feel safe while i serve them. I’m the person who spends time with whoever is in front of me at any particular time, getting to know them, taking interest in them, and making the most of the interaction. I’m the person who wants to do the best for whoever i’m serving.

I realised that i take my Self into any situation. I could work for another company or be running my own business and i’d still be the same person – taking time to be friendly to other staff, engaging in what is set in front of me, no matter the location.

And so, i am not my job – the job is just an arena for me to be. And the arenas change, and that’s okay. I won’t ‘lose’ myself if i change jobs or lose a job. ‘I’ am always here, and can take me wherever i go.

That’s pretty effing empowering. So many people identify themselves by their job title, professional credential, label such as ‘artist’ or ‘entrepreneur’. To be from from that attachment is liberating.

Of course, there are some jobs, tasks, careers that i’m likely to be more suited to and it makes sense to play to my strengths, go for the gold.

But to know that if need be, if i have to take work that isn’t necessarily my gold for a period of time, i can bring myself to it and not be identified with it, well it’s super liberating.

It feels like – i can put golden gates around my essence and say ‘this light is me’, and a job role is just a place to be in. Like drawing boundaries. ‘This light within is me, this job is not me’. Pretty damn sweet.

So how about you? Do you identify closely with your work? Do you enjoy the label or role you use? Or do you draw lines between You (your essence, your flavour) and your work? Even if you make art and proudly call yourself an artist, can you draw a boundary between your creative essence and the actual ‘work’ of being an artist? If you are a stay-at-home mother, can you distinguish between who You are in your essence and the current role you are in?

It’s an interesting thing to think about. If you can make this distinction between your Self and your job, role, or work, then I reckon you will be able to get through any career set backs or losses with a huge amount of grace, whilst others who identify heavily with their work role would really suffer.

Our roles in life WILL change, it’s inevitable. We won’t always have the same job, we may not be married forever or have the role of mother forever, we may not always have the same level of health – all the kind of things we might identify with can change throughout life. So knowing that these things are not ‘you’, and being clear about who you are at your core, is going to really help empower you as you go through life.

Have a great w/e y’all

S xo

Coaching spots available, ladies! – Inbox me at s_l_byrne@hotmail.com

It takes a village….

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Hands up who considers themselves Wonder Woman?

Strong willed? Resolute? Can do anything and doesn’t need anyone’s permission? Makes things happen and will do it all by themselves just to show others that they ‘can’? Who needs help when you can do anything, right?

Wrong!

Sometimes we need a posse of folk who can help us storm the castle. Some battles are just TOO big to handle alone.

I’ve been learning that the past couple of years. If you are in your own private war (be that to overcome an addiction, unhealthy habit, to get out of a toxic relationship, to make a radical life change) and let’s face it most of us have at least one area in life that causes relentless drama – then you need to recruit comrades.

I had to learn this lesson the hard way. For years I had tried to make changes in my life by myself – on sheer willpower and sometimes reading articles or books to guide me. And that would get me so far. But for real change to occur, I had to be able to reach out to buddies.

When the going gets tough, you need to have someone available for you to drop an email, have a call, even meet up. If you’re being pushed to an emotional limit, you need to know you have someone you can reach out to. I’ve had moments where sending a text or quick facebook message were like lifelines – friends are able to give you perspective and remind you that you’re not alone on your journey.

And not only is having a support system important for getting you through the tough times, keeping you on course, and holding you accountable, it’s also super important to have people you can share your journey with! Yes they will be there during the difficult times, but they will also be there for the successes, sharing in your celebrations.

And as the goal appears on the horizon, when you’re coming to the battle’s end, the final fears that might be coming up get overshadowed by the immense gratitude you have for your posse. You can make the final furlong because you will not let them down. The journey is no longer just about you – it’s about bringing everyone across that finish line. They wanna be part of your success, so you have to cross that line. Fear has to take a hike!

So whatever you may be going through, don’t go through it alone – whether it’s overcoming something you’d like to change in your life, or working towards a big goal. Reach out! Not only will it help you through the difficult times, but it will spur you on to keep going.

Love love,

S xo

Lesson from Fear:Going around the houses

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Today I read an article by an actors marketing coach about how fear can create the same ol’ pattern of behaviour: you get an idea, you get scared that it won’t work/you’ll get rejected so you overanalyse it then you either trash the idea, or use it in a highly diluted, un-fun way that is a million miles away from the original idea.

I see this often. Not just about creative ideas but decisions in life, too. Do I approach the guy I fancy? I want to do this (insert wildly outlandish activity), but will it lead me anywhere or make me successful? I want to create a blog on this topic, but will people read it and what’s the point of it anyway?

Personal story.

Years ago when I first got the idea that maybe I’d want to do acting, in my mind what I *really* wanted to do was be in action movies – anything from Kill Bill to Batman to Lara Croft to the Bourne series. Running around, kicking booty, helicopters n motorbikes, yes please.

Me, yesterday

But what happened.

Fear stepped in. Instead of me taking the most obvious step, the step that would have me doing what I REALLY wanted right from the get-go (take stunt acting classes!), instead I listened to my fear which said ‘you have to be a “serious’ actor”. This lead to a winding road of theatre acting classes, Shakespeare, falling asleep whilst watching plays at the National Theatre (true story), and going to networking events trying to hold conversations with actors who wanted to discuss plays.

I hate going to the theatre.

But my ego kept telling me ‘if you wanna be an actor, this is what you have to do, else no-one is gonna give you a break, no-one is gonna take you seriously, and you have to compete with all these theatre types who have theatre training.’

As time went on, I started to feel like I wasn’t really ‘an actor’ because I didn’t wanna talk about Chekov or the more academic side of things (which is crazy – if you enjoy acting as an activity then you’re an actor). My passion waned, and possibly worse, I felt frustrated and lost. I thought I enjoyed acting – so why did I feel like a fish out of water?

I took a break. I didn’t act for about a year. I took up freestyle dancing, and through that re-connected to my passion for self-expression through movement. And the call of acting came back.

This time, I’m gunning for what I want and love. I refuse to let my fear or ego trip me up. No more going round the houses. Just direct.

I took a ‘dramatic violence’ class last week and I was completely in my element – grappling, fake-strangling, punching ;) It felt RIGHT. There is much more of this to come, so brace yourselves.

This week’s takeaway:

If you identify something that you want to do, or something that you love, ACCEPT it and take the shortest, most obvious route possible towards bringing it into your life. Don’t listen to the BS that says ‘well if you want to do this, you have to do XYZ first’ or ‘you’re not a proper ____ if you don’t do XYZ’. Don’t let fear take you on an unnecessary journey away from your core desire. Don’t negate your desire to make it more ‘acceptable’ or seemingly less ‘risky’. Because

  1. You may waste a lot of time, money, effort
  2. You may begin to question if you really want what you want in the first place – self-doubt
  3. You might start to even dislike or become jaded about your original passion
  4. You might find yourself amongst people who are NOT on your wavelength, feeling pretty isolated

All bad beans.

In the past couple of years I’ve learnt that when you ACCEPT what you are truly passionate about, and stick with it, your passion will grow, doors will open, you’ll find yourself surrounded by people who you love and who support you, and your sense of self will start to feel more solid. When I really got into waacking (the dance form I do), even if other elements of my life felt turbulent or unsure, I knew that at least one thing was true; I am whole-heartedly a waacker and I had that to hold onto. And you know, if I had let fear lead me round the houses when it comes to dance, I’d probably be a jaded unfulfilled ballerina, missing out on the passion, friendships and competitions I get to do with waacking.

I think something I was prone to doing was looking at how I could ‘maximise my chances of success’ by picking the most popular or mainstream area, even if I wasn’t lit up by it. And aiming to be the ‘all-rounder’ rather than an expert. Being an action actor is quite niche, waacking is a very niche dance form, even the things I write about in my blog (life lessons) is kinda niche.  But you have to love what you do, not try and alter it so it fits into what ‘most’ people like or ‘respect’. It’s unsustainable. Passion is pretty much the only thing that will keep you going the long-term. So don’t let fear rob you of falling in love with your passions and missing out on opportunities for success! And when you follow your niche, you’re bound to become an expert in it much much quicker.

Can you relate to this? Have you let fear lead you on a merry dance, rather than just dive in to what you really love and want to do? Are you doing that right now, and if so, what do you truly want and what can you do to move towards it, rather than away from it? Leave comments!

Off to practice my bad-ass action girl swagger,

S xo