Tag Archives: crisis

What does your soul want to DO?

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Earlier this week I pulled a muscle in my neck/shoulder, which has given me a few days of being laid up at home, watching Salt, eating muffins and musing!

Inspired by Lissa Rankin’s articles, I want to share something with you to hopefully help anyone who is feeling in a one-step-forward, two-steps-back place.

Your souls calling

In one post, Lissa asks us all ‘what is your soul dying to create?’. And i realised that my soul does not want to create.

Creating can be quite an earthly, tangible thing. It springs to mind a business, a book, a radio show, a house, a baby, a table, whatever it is! To me, ‘to create’ implies output.

And i realised that part of me had a belief that if i’m not producing (or creating) something, then whatever it is i’m doing is worthless. If there is not tangible, quantifiable ‘thing’, then what do I have to show for myself?

That’s a terrible space to be in when your souls calling is truthfully not attached to outcomes. If you’re in the headspace where tangible, quantifiable outcomes (the book, the show, the project etc) denote how well-spent your time is, or how much value you are worth, then you will look down on things that don’t produce an obvious outcome. Things that you love to do for the pleasure of, the process.

My soul does not want to create anything. I know that for sure. My ego wanted to create EVERYTHING. It wanted an impressive bio full of books, movies, acting roles, gallery showings – tangible ‘things’ that prove i’m contributing to the world, being productive.

Nope, my soul can do without all that. For me, it’s about what my soul needs to ‘come out’ – how it flows out into the world. It’s like energy that just needs to have space. Anyone else ever feel that? I feel my soul doing it’s thing when i’m on the dancefloor, when i’m singing & playing along to songs at ukelele jam, when i’m in the flow at stage combat class, and of course sex. I have NOTHING to show for myself at the end of these activities – no souvenirs (unless someone else has been filming it) , no products, i haven’t been working towards anything – just enjoying myself in the moment.

My soul seeks opportunities, spaces, platforms, to do her thing, let her hair down, give it all to that space, then leave.

So is this true for you, i wonder? What does your soul need? And what does your ego need?

Resistance

When i opened up to what my soul really craves (spaces to be free), I hit some gnarly beliefs.The main one being that my soul’s desires are worthless.

How awful is that?! I know!!!

I’m sure it’s an accumulation of many factors – let’s face it, most of us have grown up in an education system that’s results-based, and its likely that out parents geared us up that way too. Worthiness, productivity etc is often based on output and measurable things. So the things we do with no measurable output (other than that we love doing them) are left out of the equation. Even thinking about sex, ‘How many orgasms did you have?’ can be considered more important than ‘how pleasurable was the ride?’

I don’t know if this is to do with living in a masculine-skewed world, and i don’t think it matters too much if it is – what matters is that we start to change our minds. The fact is, for some of us, we have to start unhooking ‘worthiness’ and value from productivity/outcomes.

The main reason why this is so important is that if you don’t feel your soul’s desires (to express, rather than to make something tangible) are worthy, that they don’t matter, that they’re not good, then you are pretty much telling yourself that you aren’t worthy, don’t matter, and are no good. And how the fuck can you live your life from that space?!

This is hard work. For me, i’m finding it hard work. To know that when i hit the dancefloor at class, just ‘doing my thing’ is enough. That my unique expression in whatever arena is enough. No-one ever told me that. Rarely has anyone ever said ‘just bringing your spirit into a space is valuable in itself‘.

Holy crap

Have you ever been valued for who you are, rather than for what you can do for another?

You’re not ‘of worth’ because you produce an outcome, or fix a problem, or make someone else’s life better. Your value doesn’t come from being measured in terms of output or meeting anothers needs.

Your value does not come from output. Not from metrics. Not from what you can provide another. Not from what you can physically go out and change. Not from anything measurable or quantifiable.

Your value comes from your being. When you walk into a room. The way in which you make pancakes. That your presence alone can make someone else feel safe. That’s your significance. Not the trophies, the certificates, the goals met, the number of followers – not that, none of that. Just your presence, your existence, and what your essence brings – which you carry with you all the time.

That’s the value, the worth, the gold.

And I raise a valiant middle finger to the world that has distorted things so much that we don’t feel worthy unless we’re being over-producers, over-achievers, constantly looking to prove our worth.

The sting, the rub, the beginning, and now the end

I know a lot of this stuff isn’t ‘new’ – god knows i’ve read it before. But i’m having a proper bing-bing moment so please bear with me.

Where does this split occur, where we start to believe we need to prove our worth & value in the world by going after external things? Even those of us who have let go of material things (fancy cars, job titles etc) still probably have other things we believe we need to have or do or be in order to be considered of value – whether that’s creating output that others need, or doing something that we believe will have an impact, in order for us to feel valuable.

I can pin it down.

God bless my parents.

What did you have to do to get love? What did you have to do, who did you have to be, to feel recognized, valued? When you were a kid – did your parents project a role or their needs onto you? Or did your parents allow you to just ‘be’, getting their needs met from others or met by themselves in a healthy way?

Let’s just say that both my parents were unable to provide themselves with the happiness and healing they needed, so I had a lot of stuff projected onto me.  I lived in a world where my value, worth, came from what i could provide these people with – that i met their needs that I shouldn’t have met. I wasn’t valued for simply being me – messy, hanging from the trees, plastering-barbie-with-punk-make-up me. I was valued based on what i could do for others – be that fan their social status, or be an emotional rock.

And i guess I’m starting to crack that idea that i’m valuable just for being me, not for my output or for what I can give or do for others ( I enjoy helping empower others – i’m talking about enabling and/or martyrdom…).

So my big ol’ Q’s for the week for you are: What are your feelings, memories, ideas around ‘being of value’? What do you value, what have people made you feel valued for? What’s your lifeblood, is it different to what others value from you? What does your soul want to do, and do you value it? If not, why not?

And with that, I’m done. High fives to all who made it to the end of the post.

Your value is in your happy glory

S xo

How Bad Does It Have To Get? (this is a positive post!)

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Well. A parable.

About six months ago my laptop started to have ever-so-slightly-irritating malfunctions. The left-hand mouse button had to be pressed quite hard to work, the integrated webcam stopped working, and the screen would flicker if it wasn’t at the right angle. I could still use my laptop, there were just these minor niggles. Because getting it repaired would mean being laptop-less for potentially 2 weeks (noooo!) I just put up with these things – I’d rather have my not-quite-right laptop than be without for a couple of weeks.

This week the mouse button situation had got so bad that I had to use all my strength to even make it work. My fingers were aching, even my shoulder was starting to strain. Enough is enough! I called repairs and they’re gonna be taking my laptop away tomorrow to be fixed.

This little episode made me think about how I, and perhaps others, let things get to the point of unbearability (hope that’s a word) before we take action or get things fixed.

Some of us may be so good at ‘putting up with’, enduring, living with low-level inconvenience for a long time (rather than going through a higher level of inconvenience for a short burst), that it takes great ‘pain’ to make us tackle the problem.

Rather than ‘stopping the rot’ earlier on, there’s a tendency to endure until it gets so bad that action is unavoidable. Does this ring true for you at all in any area of your life? Finances, living conditions, relationships, health/wellness? What are you putting up with and how bad does it have to get until you make a change?

I took a very quick scope of other places in my life where I had let this happen – from the minor (putting up with an old bed til I started getting backache) to the major (living in debt til my available credit ran out). Clearly, some part of me in certain areas likes to avoid sorting things out until forced to – until ‘the last straw’.

Where does this tendency come from? It’s not true for everything, and I’m sure if you can relate to this behaviour on some levels it’s not true for all areas of your life either.

I did what any good gold-digger does – got out my flashlight and looked to who/which situations early on gave me this idea that the best way to handle things is to ‘put up with until dire’ rather than ‘tackle head-on as soon as trouble arises’.

Not wanting to name names but immediately one person in my family springs to mind. They stayed in a long-term relationship for way.too.long, a relationship that was damaging, because they hoped things would one day get better. Despite all the dysfunctional behaviour and pain, they held on. The only reason they got out of the relationship was when their partner left them!

This person also suffered a chronic health issue which they, to an extent, ‘put up with’ – they received medication for it but did not explore alternative measures to try and help. Decades passed. It took a recent accident to motivate them to reach out for alternative treatments, physiotherapy, psycho-sematic inquiry etc.

I know of another family member who worked a job they couldn’t stand, suffered from behavioural problems, and wouldn’t seek outside help (therapy) until they lost everything (their job, financial security, their partner etc). It took a major life upheaval for them to turn things around – rather than sorting out their work situation and getting therapy earlier.

So my ‘put up with til super-bad’ behaviour is likely to be learned behaviour (these people are close relatives). That makes me feel a little more peaceful – learned behaviour can always be changed.

So if you are ‘putting up with’ some sort of BS – big or small – where did you pick up this tendency? Who taught you that it’s better to put up with low-level discomfort until it turns into a bigger problem? Once you’ve uncovered that, you can then start to create a new script for yourself – one that says ‘if I see problems, no matter how small, I will intervene to prevent them turning into a chronic problem or turning into a major problem’. This could be through seeing the truth for what it is, enquiry into what options you have, then taking the best right step to change, remedy, or leave the situation.

I hope this helps you in some way. I think for some people it’s quite common to stay in a situation until it gets unbearable. We suffer until we are literally pushed. This is of course learnt behaviour, and once you bring awareness to that, you can decide for yourself that you are no longer willing to make this behaviour your chosen behaviour anymore.

If any of this resonated with you, if you have stayed in situations waaay longer than you ‘should’ have, or if you have learnt this lesson the hard way and have tips on how to ‘stop the rot’ early, please leave a comment below :)

S xo

Find Your Inner Conflict and Create Inner Peace

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Are you rubbing up against reality? Are you in a situation where you feel stuck, where things aren’t as you would like them to be?

I had a big a-ha moment the other day when considering some of the stuck patterns and external circumstances that haven’t been going the way I’d like them to.

The external circumstances that are in conflict with what you want, what would be for your highest good, reflect any internal conflict you may have with your Self. Until you ‘do you’, your reality (be that a relationship, where you live, your job, your finances etc) will be in tension as it’s mirroring the tension within yourself.

So what tensions are you feeling within? What can’t you resolve? Are there things you desire to do or be or have, with conflicting ideas that hold you back? Are these internal conflicts showing up externally as stuck relationships, patterns, or being unable to attain what you really want?

Becoming aware of these conflicts is the first stage. The next stage is working through the conflict (the conflicting internal dialogue). This could be for example ‘i want to get into shape, but I hate working out’, or ‘i want to be more spiritual, but I don’t wanna buy in to any religious group’. Check the opposing idea that’s holding you back and creating this conflict. Can you challenge these opposing ideas? Can you create congruence and flow so you can move forward? Aiming for ‘inner peace’ (in this case meaning aligning your desires with your beliefs) can help you get unstuck.

I’m still processing this myself. Recalibrating your beliefs or attitudes to help support your desires is not a new idea, but sometimes it can be too easy to forget to do it!

So this week I encourage you to be willing to fearlessly look for where you have inner conflict – where your desires and beliefs don’t line up – and find ways to make them match. This could be challenging your beliefs (eg that exercise is boring) or expanding your perspective (eg do you have to join a religious group to be spiritual?).

I will be doing the same. Enjoy the empowerment that comes from moving through your inner blocks!

Email Mentoring

Join me for one-on-one soul sister mentoring via EMAIL! You will get a once a week email exchange (you email me where you’re at, I email you back with guidance and tools to help you) at a rate of £60 per month. If this is something you’re interested in, drop me a line direct at s_l_byrne@hotmail.com with a few lines about what you need help with (a bad relationship habit, fear of finances, creative blocks…).

Enjoy!

S xo

Why you can feel like shit when going for your dreams – emotional integrity

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(Just before dropping it here, I posted the following on another site. The first comment said I was a walking angel. I’ve never been called an angel before! I feel all fluffy) (we are all angels, btw. share your truth and let it resonate, then you’re doing… angel work)

With each step closer to embracing my truth, i feel sad and emotional.

it could be grief of letting go of the state i’ve been in – the state of inner conflict, disbelief, try-hard. A ‘bad’ state to be sure, but one that has been familiar and one i’ve woken up to many days.

now, this is where it gets interesting

if you’re feeling emotional/grief because you’re losing something (even if it’s a negative something – a crappy job, crappy rel, crappy belief, crappy house) whilst you are moving towards something better, it can be easy to get confused and think that the emotional/sad feelings are coming from the new positive thing

i know, i know, that sounds nonsensical but it’s easy to do unconsciously

‘if i’m focusing on moving towards my joy, why do i feel so sucky?’ – we make the mistake of blaming the new good thing of being the source of our emotion/sadness, rather than thinking the sucky feelings come from leaving the less-than-good behind.

why? you’d think letting go of sucky shit would make you feel happy, right?

but no, loss is loss is loss to the mind. i even reckon some folk take longer to get over an illness because ‘being ill’ can become such a comfortable state to be in (in a weird way) that being well would constitute a big loss in their way of being.

the good news is, when we become aware of this process we can see it for what it is, rather than be confused or start attaching emotions to the ‘wrong things’.

so here’s the deal.

you’re letting go of stale dreams/relationships/ways of being.

you’re looking forward to things that inspire you.

you feel AWFUL

It is not the wonderful stuff that is making you feel awful. you don’t have to alter the good stuff to make you ‘feel better’. the good stuff doesn’t need to be doubted. having these visions is not instilling these negative emotions in you.

What is bringing up these emotions is the loss (conscious or unconscious) of what was and what is. including when you willfully let go of crappy things.

This is the tricky emotional highwire you have to balance:

allowing, accepting, honouring the feelings of loss & sadness over the less-than stuff you are letting go of

WHILST

attaching belief, emotional commitment, serenity, peace to the desires you want to pursue.

Be careful not to cross wires. Be careful to not attach the negative emotions to the new dreams you’re welcoming, just because you are feeling them at a time when you are reaching for your dreams.

This is what i’m living and learning right now.

and i reckon it’s this mismanagement of emotional attachment (“i’m looking towards my true desires and i feel like shit! so they can’t be my true desires!”) that keeps us stuck.

be like a scientist. put on your white lab coat.

step back and see what is happening as you make these decisions and the feelings that come up. Are you attaching the wrong feelings to the wrong triggers? is it really your dreams and wants that are pulling up feelings of blah, or is it the letting go of what may have been front and centre in yr life? stay clear.

stay clear. aware

xo

Complacency and Challenge

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Sometimes wake-up calls in all areas of life (including money) come about after a period of complacency or ignorance – and in the midst of a challenge. As a personal example, I didn’t get my finances in order until I was ‘forced’ to, following a period of debt. If I had not got into debt, I probably would not have been motivated enough to understand budgeting, investing, save-to-spend tactics or checking in each week and month with my financial goals. I would have sleepwalked through my financial life, for sure.

It’s easy to say in retrospect that you’re grateful for the hard lessons – whilst you’re in the middle of any crisis it’s no fun and that sense of perspective, of being grateful for what you will learn, is pretty difficult to have.

Related to that, tonight I was thinking about how I genuinely like to be challenged, pushed a little bit to be more, do more, push my own boundaries. I was thinking about any situations in life where I’ve been challenged and forced to step up – whether that’s discipline myself, learn things I’d rather be ignorant of, learn new skills about handling money or people or fitness etc.

Every challenge has required me to be my best self. And that’s the level I operate best at.

Maybe in some bizarre way I even invited in my own financial challenge just to push myself to overcome it, thrive on the challenge, and come out the other side a better person. Who knows?

So if you are in a financial situation at the moment that’s challenging for you – be that unhealthy spending patterns or debt or wanting to bury your head in the sand – RE-FRAME it!

What is this challenge calling you forth to be? What would your best self do? Do you need to tap into some grit, evoke the warrior in you? Do you need to be brave and speak up or out? Do you need to allow curiosity to lead you to better knowledge?

Sometimes when we *think* we’re happily coasting along in something, we’re not bringing our best selves to the table. Sometimes we’re at our best when we’re being challenged. So embrace the challenge, show life what you’re made of – whether that’s in your financial life or any other area of life.

What is the situation calling you forth to be?

Rock it,

S xo

Your Quarter-Life Crisis is a Gift

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(This article by me was originally posted at People Like Us and has also been featured on HerFuture’s Blogs We Dig)

I wanted to share with you an article I recently wrote about seeing crisis in perspective. Whether you are experiencing an identity/life crisis or financial crisis, the crisis is a catalyst for growth. If youhave hit a point where you need to get your finances in order, be thankful for hitting this turning point – the future will be brighter.

Crisis sends us into a tailspin. We think we’re merrily going along in life, sure of ourselves, sure of what to do next, then for whatever reason (we get the job we wanted which turns out to suck, we’re about to move in with a guy then find out he’s been cheating…), our ease, complacency and flow gets challenged. Big time.

We start to question if we really know what we’re doing. Self-doubt often comes up. Distrust around work/happiness/spirituality. We thought we had everything mapped out, thought we knew ‘how the world worked’, and now that’s gone, what are you supposed to do now?

I’m here to tell you that having the rug pulled from under your feet is a good thing.

It is a huge opportunity for getting on the right track.

If you are in a situation where you lost your job, or you’ve had a major break up, or the career break you’ve been working towards never came, get really honest with yourself about it. Was that job really right for you? Did it light you up? Did you feel in alignment, on purpose, authentic?

Was that relationship healthy? Or do you feel relief that you are out of it? Was that work endeavour that brought you disappointment (a business that didn’t take off, a career that didn’t take off) really what you wanted in your heart of hearts – or were you trying for second best?

Very often the things that don’t work out for us or fall apart do so to make room for better to come along. It definitely doesn’t feel that way when you’re in the middle of a full blown life-crisis meltdown. But it is true. And it’s a beautiful gift to learn (especially when you are in your twenties/thirties, nail this now so you can navigate the rest of your life better!).

If you are in crisis – trying to figure out what to do with your life, what your purpose is, what career to choose, how to handle your love life, how to overcome an addiction or unhealthy behaviour – be thankful for the fact that you are AWARE that something is wrong, that you KNOW your life could be better, and that you have the hunger to find out how to turn things around.

As your crisis hits you will receive these gifts:

HONESTY about what is working in your life and what isn’t Ÿ

REFLECTION AND EMPOWERMENT you will be able to see how you can change things, how to be more discerning in your life choices, and how to handle uncertainty

CONSCIOUSNESS that you are in control of your life, how you respond to situations/people, how you want to use your resources, and be able to make your own decisions rather than rely on the advice or social norms of others

WILLINGNESS to be open to doing things differently, to create a way of living that’s more in line with who you truly are and what
lights you up

As you work through the questions, doubts, areas that your crisis highlights, you will also gain innumerable other benefits. My mid twenties crisis has brought me so much, I would daresay that everyone should have one for the benefits you can get out of it. Here’s my crisis goodie bag:

  • rewired my personal financial management so I am in control and have a healthy relationship with money
  • connected me back to my authenticity, creative expression and joy that had been neglected
  • improved my close relationships as I became more conscious about boundaries & responsibility
  • connected me to so many amazing young women also working through their crises
  • taught me patience and self-discipline, as well as prioritising what’s really important to me
  • helped me live well – introduced me to meditation, yoga, switched up my diet and fitness routine
  • brought me insight, empathy and learned wisdom that I can share to help others
  • release old scripts about ‘what being in love is’ and instead focus on self-love, being whole and self-fulfilled first, rather than trying to find someone to ‘complete me’. I even had a self-marriage ceremony!
  • lots of crazy experiences, career moves, and memories – too many to mention here!

Without going through my quarter-life crisis I would not have been able to have gained any of these gifts and life-enhancing changes off my own back. For a start, that list is pretty big! If I planned to do all those things I’d have been way overwhelmed, not to mention would have been like “Uh? Meditation? Wha..? Financial management? Borrring!”.  I wouldn’t even have considered or known about some of those things, or where to start.

So my crisis brought me all this wonderful stuff that I couldn‘t even have dreamed of or planned for myself.

Your crisis will bring you amazing things too. And they may not be things you originally thought you wanted. At the start of mine, all I wanted was to know what the hell to do with my life – what career to devote myself too? Now on reflection and looking at the list above, I can see that actually my crisis was about putting my life in order. I could have the right job or business, be making good money, but what good would that be if I couldn’t handle my finances or kept getting heart-broken? What good would knowing my purpose be if I didn’t know how to look after my health or didn’t have any solid relationships?

What you can do!

No matter where you are at with your quarter-life crisis, can you see any benefits or lessons that this stage of your life has brought you? Have you discovered something about your life you had taken for granted or not been aware of? Have you met more like-minded people? Have you been introduced to new ideas or interests that inspire you? Have you been liberated from something that was draining your soul? Make a quick list of everything and anything good that has so far come from this crisis.

Your crisis comes to spring-clean your life. It may gut everything out so you have to start from zero and rebuild. But what comes out of it will be better than what came before – this time, what you introduce into your life will be on your terms. And you will also meet the best version of you along the way.

Be grateful for your rude awakening. Keep going, keep working through, keep taking baby steps and following inspiration when it comes to you. Your quarter life crisis has not come to wreck your life – it’s a catalyst for getting the life you want. Trust in that!